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Members Own General Literature Non anime poems, stories or any of your own written work.

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  #1  
Unread 10-05-2009, 11:39 AM
Inner Sakura's Avatar
Inner Sakura Inner Sakura is offline
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Default A Death's Kiss, poem by Inner Sakura

Your silky lips,
Like two black rose petals.
Your sparkling eyes,
Like two bright stars.
Your gorgeous grin, Is what I desire.
Your stupid lies, Is what I despite.
Your intoxicating kiss,
Is what I miss.
So I run to you again,
Knowing I'll trow away.
Everything that I possess,
Just for another kiss or less.
A death's kiss is what you give,
A death's kiss is what I want to receive
After it I can breath anymore,
It's like loosing my life or even more.
My heart is yours to take,
Just another heart to brake.
Just another kiss,
Another one I beg of you please.
Now my life is gone,
I have sold my soul, heart and body to one.
You are from now my life and death,
So whit my last breath,
I kissed your velvety lips again,
To bad I'll go away
To the Valley Of Death where I will miss
Your Death and Loving Kiss...
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  #2  
Unread 10-05-2009, 04:48 PM
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Default Re: A Death's Kiss, poem by Inner Sakura

This is good stuff. Very descriptive with the speaker's inner feelings and how they correspond with the subject. The passion was excellent. Good work.
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  #3  
Unread 10-09-2009, 02:42 PM
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Default Re: A Death's Kiss, poem by Inner Sakura

Really great peom Inner Sakura ^_^ Very touching.
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  #4  
Unread 10-10-2009, 06:48 PM
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Default Re: A Death's Kiss, poem by Inner Sakura

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inner Sakura View Post
Your silky lips,
Like two black rose petals.
Your sparkling eyes,
Like two bright stars.
Your gorgeous grin, Is what I desire.
Your stupid lies, Is what I despite.
Your intoxicating kiss,
Is what I miss.
So I run to you again,
Knowing I'll trow away.
Everything that I possess,
Just for another kiss or less.
A death's kiss is what you give,
A death's kiss is what I want to receive
After it I can breath anymore,
It's like loosing my life or even more.
My heart is yours to take,
Just another heart to brake.
Just another kiss,
Another one I beg of you please.
Now my life is gone,
I have sold my soul, heart and body to one.
You are from now my life and death,
So whit my last breath,
I kissed your velvety lips again,
To bad I'll go away
To the Valley Of Death where I will miss
Your Death and Loving Kiss...
The romanticism of your poem is stunningly beautiful... It captures with the dark elegance of "black rose petals" a plethora of emotions and desires. The word choice is beautiful, particularly in lines six through eleven, beginning with "Your intoxicating kiss". ^^ "Intoxicating" is the perfect word for the theme.
I'm sure you're aware of any punctuation issues, spelling mistakes, and whatnot, so I won't pester you about them... Yet the only suggestion I have is for line twenty-four: "Too bad I'll go away"; because the tone of the poem is quite dramatic, using "too bad" and "go away" may detract from its passion. You could use "fade away", or something of the sort, if you like. ^^
As I say to many people, including myself: keep writing, for your voice will only develop to be greater with time. ^^
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  #5  
Unread 10-30-2009, 01:39 AM
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Default Re: A Death's Kiss, poem by Inner Sakura

Your poem is every beautiful.
I like the words you use to capture emotions.
A great read.
Hope to read more of your works.
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