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story feedback

Posted 04-28-2015 at 09:26 PM by +Masamune+

so i'm working again on a story i never finished a long time ago in high school that the teacher read out loud because she and the other students liked it. but i'm not sure if its going well. i'm taking a different storytelling approach to it than the short original and i have very little writing skills so i was wanting some feedback. is it going too fast/too slow? should i tell the story like this or from a different perspective? too descriptive or need to tone down on it? or should i scrap the whole thing and start over? I don't really have a set conclusion to this story either, im just going along with no set end goal for the character at the moment.
------------An island far from civilization; a cool breeze guiding the scent of the ocean across the heated beach, past the swaying palm trees, and into the thick patch of tropical forest. A collection of small crustaceans skitter across the sand as the soft waves gently claim them back into the blue, shimmering waters. Only the sounds of the waves and the distant calls of the seagulls fill the air. An ideal place for rest and relaxation yet...something feels wrong; like you don't belong, or is it the island itself that doesn't belong? Should i be here? How did I get here? Why am I here? Why...?
Off in the distance, a disturbed section of sand and pebbles is visible; a woman lay face down. Her long, black hair sprawled about with faint shimmers of sand gleaming out of it. Wearing a long, sleeveless white gown which had been worn and slightly ripped at the edges from the elements and extended use. Her posture seemed as if she crawled out of the sea in haste while a rusty locket lay firmly clenched in her left hand. The soft, weak breaths she took where interrupted as she slowly started to move; lifting her face from the sand as she barely kept her angled posture up with her elbows.
She slowly glanced across the landscape, realizing she was in an unknown area, she fumbled about in attempts to stand quickly which met with another greeting to the hot sands. Weak and exhausted from the sun, she lazily made her way to the nearest shade under the palm tree and placed her back against it. Attempting to keep her eyes open she could notice something strange in the sky, whether it was hunger or dehydration causing hallucinations, she could see black spots and lines appearing and disappearing behind the clear blue sky. It was as if someone was pushing behind a thin blue screen. The spots where not her only concern, the sun as well appeared to not be fully circular; more of an oval shape. Not only that, it also appeared to be moving in a vibrating motion; keeping the same path, but it would seem to jolt in random directions. With what little energy she used to get to the tree, she was too worn out to bother questioning what she saw as she slowly shut her eyes and drifted back to sleep.
As she slowly reopened her eyes the pains of hunger brought her to stand herself against the tree. In attempts to find food she noticed the collection of coconuts around her. That with some of the crabs scuttling across the beach would provide her a good meal for what was left of the day, but first she needed to make a fire. She hobbled around in the shade, collecting dead branches and leaves then made a pile ear a large collection of rocks where she would make a shelter out of later. She had obtained this knowledge from...she paused. Where did she get this knowledge from? Not only that but where did she come from? The more she thought on her situation, the more she became puzzled about how much she didn't know... amnesia perhaps...? That seemed to be the only logical explanation, but then she remembered the locket she had.

The small, slightly rusted locket that had tiny flower details around the edges; nothing amazing, just a bronze colored locket with one of those beaded chains that would break with a good tug. The origins of this locket as well where unknown to her. The locket was in her possession, it had to have been hers so out of curiosity she opened it; an unknown woman stared back at her from the locket with "To my Best Friend Sarah" inscribed on the other side. Was this addressed to her? The woman seemed to be in her late twenties or early thirties, much like the girl holding the locket; had short, dirty blond hair and a small ladybug shaped hair pin which clashed with the patterned neck, baby blue dress shirt that she was wearing.
Bringing herself out of her curious trance, she sighed lightly and closed the locket, wishing the locket contained more information. Setting it aside she built her fire and managed to catch two small crabs with a net she managed to put together with leaves, a sturdy branch, and the stringy stems of some small live trees and weeds. As the sun started to set and the fire glistened of her rock house covered in large leaves she collected, she finished her meal and decided to take a none hunger induced nap. The soft breeze blowing through started to put her to sleep, but it seemed odd to her that the breeze kept changing directions; a back and forth motion that made the fire dance around. Again, sleep overpowered her curiousness as her vision faded to black.------------
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Comments

  1. New Comment
    There may be a bit too much description going on and possibly a few run-on sentences. Overall I like it. :D
    Posted 04-29-2015 at 02:11 AM by LoopyPanda LoopyPanda is offline
  2. New Comment
    +Masamune+'s Avatar
    thanks sense i am telling the story from an outer perspective, i like to have some detail so you see the environment more, i will plan to dim it down after i make the setting. ill work on the run-on sentences too, im just putting stuff down and i will go back to edit it
    Posted 04-29-2015 at 03:37 AM by +Masamune+ +Masamune+ is offline
 

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